When My Milk Came In After My Stillbirth: What I Wish Every Loss Mother Knew
(A post I hope you’ll never need — but it’s here in case you do)
When I gave birth to my stillborn daughter at 31 weeks, I knew my milk would come in. What I didn’t anticipate was the pain that would come along with it.
That milk was for her.
Every ache in my body — my swollen, tender breasts, the night sweats, the hormone crashes — all of it was meant for her. And it would have all been worth it, if only she had lived.
My milk came in before I had even left the hospital. I didn’t want to face it, but just like everything else in those early days — I did not have a choice.
As a doula, I knew what my options were — and I knew my heart’s choice: I wanted to donate.
So, I asked for a hospital-grade pump. I requested a lactation consultant to visit me in the postpartum unit. I measured my flange size. I knew the proper storage guidelines. I knew exactly where I wanted my milk to go.
Every step I took felt like a small mercy in the middle of a nightmare. I was deeply grateful for the knowledge my work had given me, because I knew that so many other mothers were sent home without any information, without any support, and without any choice.
Some are handed a pill.
Some are told their milk won’t come in — only to find themselves, days later, in physical and emotional pain, unsure what to do.
I want you to know this: you do have options.
Even in the midst of your nightmare. Even when your baby is no longer here. You still deserve proper, loving, postpartum care. 🌷
Signs Your Milk Is Coming In
Milk typically comes in within 2–5 days after birth (sometimes sooner if you’ve had a stillbirth, preterm birth, or late pregnancy loss). You may notice:
breast fullness, swelling, or heaviness
breasts feeling warm or firm to the touch
tingling sensations or a “let-down” feeling
leaking milk (small drops or more)
increased sensitivity or tenderness in the breasts
darkening of the veins on your breasts due to increased blood flow
mild fever or body aches — though a high fever or worsening pain could indicate infection and should be checked by a doctor
If your milk comes in after your baby has died, here are some of the options you have:
1. Pump and formally donate
Your milk can go to NICUs or through hospital milk bank programs, often feeding premature and critically ill babies who desperately need it.
2. Pump and informally donate
You can share milk with friends in need or through informal milk-sharing networks.
3. Suppress lactation with medication
Your doctor may prescribe medication to suppress milk production. This is often paired with other physical methods, since some milk may still come in.
4. Suppress lactation gradually
You can allow your milk to dry up over time by expressing only enough to relieve discomfort, gradually shortening pumping sessions and lengthening the time between them.
If you choose to suppress lactation, these can help:
Wear a supportive, snug bra 24/7 (sports bras often work well).
Apply ice packs or cold compresses to your breasts (avoid heat).
Use over-the-counter pain medication as needed.
Try chilled cabbage leaves or cabbage extract products (like Cabo Cream).
Hand express only enough to reduce discomfort.
Some people find peppermint tea or peppermint essential oil can help, though evidence is limited.
Important: The more milk you remove, the more your body is signaled to make — which can prolong the process.
Things to consider if you choose Expression:
Physical benefits: May aid in uterine contractions and reduce postpartum bleeding; may lower the risk of certain diseases later in life (including ovarian cancer, breast cancer, and osteoporosis).
Mental health: Some studies show pumping can reduce postpartum depression risk by providing a sense of purpose and structure.
Physical comfort: Gradual weaning can reduce engorgement and mastitis risk.
Emotional connection: For some, it’s a way to honour your baby and maintain a physical bond.
Practical demands: Pumping requires time, energy, equipment, cleaning, proper storage, and sometimes financial investment.
Things to consider if you choose Suppression:
Your breasts typically return to their pre-pregnancy state within two weeks.
Less financial and physical commitment — no pump, no daily cleaning, no storage.
Greater flexibility — you can rest, travel, or move without pumping logistics.
Can allow more emotional space to focus on your grief and healing.
May bring more physical discomfort in the first one to two weeks.
Some find it emotionally abrupt, as it can feel like the pregnancy and connection to your baby ended more suddenly.
There is no “right” choice
There is only the choice that feels most right for you, in this moment.
Each path has its own benefits and challenges. Even if there are health benefits to pumping, your emotional well-being matters most — and one personal reason may be enough to outweigh all the rest. That is more than okay.
This is a deeply personal decision, in an impossible situation.
But you still deserve loving, informed postpartum care — and to know that you have options. 🌷
If you have any questions, please leave a comment below.